


To Be Loved or to Be Feared

by Swurdleoma



Category: Yes Minister, Yes Prime Minister
Genre: Love/Hate, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-21
Updated: 2020-09-15
Packaged: 2021-03-04 18:14:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,883
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25420708
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Swurdleoma/pseuds/Swurdleoma
Summary: It had been many years since the BBC tape incident. Bernard Woolley had become the cabinet secretary, and a good one. When Jim Hacker was diagnosed with a fatal disease, Bernard paid a visit to the hospital and gave him a ... copy. Copy of that master tape many years ago.It could be a joke, a farce, a payback, a conspiracy, or a betrayal. Or it might not be that complicated. It was a memoir about how two people gradually hated each other, Bernard Woolley and the retired cabinet secretary, Humphrey Appleby.
Relationships: Humphrey Appleby/Bernard Woolley
Comments: 6
Kudos: 8





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Contains descriptions of characters' inner lives within original plots, most of which are pure imagination, so, just don’t explore too much :) The title comes from Machiavelli’s The Prince. In this work it might not match the original idea.  
> According to the official novel, Bernard became the permanent secretary of DAA later, and finally the cabinet secretary. No wonder they all call him “high flyer”. This story begins here.

Chapter 1

As soon as he heard about Jim Hacker, Bernard rescheduled to arrange a visit to the hospital. Without the need for watching cricket, he had plenty of time. At the moment Bernard had not really integrated into the secretaries’ group leisure activities. The reason was rather simple. Those who struggled all through their lives yet failed for a position of a private secretary, or those who failed in the final race for the cabinet secretary, meant very little compliment when they whispered “high flyer” behind him. Maybe this irresolution “flyer” simply flew too fast and looked too artless that both the old and the young had some complaints. “It’s handed down from age to age.” They neglected the fact that, ever since Bernard was assigned back to DAA, this so-called “grave” of ministers has actually become a cradle. In this respect, he perfectly inherited Humphrey’s style.

No, even easier. Not every minister you met was that persistent. Every time he lulled the minister into a sense of security, Bernard would recall those days with Jim Hacker. Well, not necessarily every time, but he should not pretend blind when his minister went astray, or the permanent secretary would take the blame anyway.

Now let's get down to business.

Bernard simply made the time required as “undecided”. This trip to the hospital did not merely mean to visit the former prime minister, so he set out on his own. Even to his secretary, he did not go down to details. 

“I’m glad that you came anyway,” Hacker, sitting in bed, sounded weak, but in a good mood because of meeting an old friend,“the weather is horrible.

“I almost had my umbrella blown away.”Bernard chose every word carefully without any moment of relax.“You look well, sir.”

“This won’t work out, Bernard. I know how long I’ve got.” He replied in perfect peace.

Bernard did not expect this. It was hard to predict how people might react against life and death. The cabinet secretary had to admire him for that. They both kept silent for a while.

“Oh, I can’t believe that I forgot this. Should it be ‘Sir Bernard’, or—cabinet secretary, cabinet secretary?”

That old politician with a history as a journalist always knew how to deal with sentimentality. When he suddenly mentioned the almost first word game, by the time they first met, even Bernard had to slow down his mind so that the memory would not get over him.

“Call me Bernard.” Answered the cabinet secretary.

“Honestly, Bernard, if you had been the cabinet secretary by that time, we would have done a lot better job.”

Seriously, Mr. Former Prime Minister? Then it means that all these years your intelligence never even grew a bit. Bernard thought.

“I believe so.”

“What a shame.” Hacker shook his head, but did not continue.

“What, Mr. Hacker?”

“No, this might be inappropriate.... Never mind. Humphrey retired long ago, so it wouldn’t do any harm to say anything.” Hacker took off his glasses. “What a shame that he comfortably made to the retiring age. That peaceful. That safe. Should have taken a chance. Let him have it. Just like.... Like what happened in the “30-year rule incident”. “Now that we don’t need him anymore, we don’t need to save him any more.... Ah, Bernard, don’t take it seriously. It’s highly hypothetical.” Hacker even sounded a little sad.

“That’s always a good idea, Mr. Hacker.”

“That’s all I can do now.”

Bernard smiled at Hacker’s regretful face. It was a skill grown in his many years of experience as a secretary. No matter what he was planning, he could always keep an innocent smile. Hacker failed to grasp Bernard’s hint.

“I have to remind you, Mr. Hacker, that there actually has been another incident.”

“Of course,” replied Hacker, “I would never forget a moment in which I can appreciate Humphrey’s facial expression. The tape from BBC, that was a good one, very fascinating ,Bernard. But I never ever told anyone about you taking it back indeed!”

Bernard did not say anything.

“He was the cabinet secretary by that time, so he must be safe, or....”

“So Mr. Hacker, you surely remember that we did all that for the reputation of the government and high civil service, and the prime minister at that time, not for Sir Humphrey.”

“No. Naturally.”

Again, silence.

“He must have destroyed the tape.” Hacker suddenly said, “I should have kept a copy for entertainment once in a while.”

“Just for entertainment?”

“Or what?”

“He’s not cabinet secretary any more.”

“No. It has all past. Nobody needs to be responsible. If anyone get hurt for that, it’d be Humphrey alone. In that case—” Hacker changed into a sarcastic tone,”I rather wish that I had made that copy.”

“You can’t be serious, Mr. Hacker?”

“Well, it’s not like doing anybody any harm. Chances that I get elected again are remote. Don’t you think so?”

Bernard smiled, but not because of the black humour. He took out a tape from his pocket and put it on Hacker’s bedside. Hacker stared at him.

“You know what it is. I do not,”said Bernard.

Technically, yes. When Hacker told Humphrey that the “intelligence” took the tape from BBC, he meant that Bernard had nothing to do with it. Hacker was shocked. He looked at Bernard, who tried very hard not to laugh, and then looked at the tape. He grabbed it to look close.

“Bernard, I can’t believe you actually kept one copy for yourself!”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about. I never played it.” He made a gesture of pressing, meaning “voice down”.

“Any other who know about this?”

The cabinet secretary shook his head.

“Just like the old days, Mr. Hacker. You decide.”

All of a sudden, Hacker smelled conspiracy.

“But Bernard, you actually....”

“I actually did listen to it, but Sir Humphrey forbade me to say, so I have to keep my words.”

Hacker knew well enough that the cabinet secretary could not get himself involved in any farce, yet a politician that retired many years ago (and perhaps had very little time left) simply fit the job of exposure.

“It won’t affect you, will it?”

“Sir Humphrey accepted the interview personally. The name of civil service system might get harmed, more or less, but that was really a long time ago. Not that spicy. Even if anything happens, it would be on him, personally.”

“No, I mean, you, and him, do you have connections, which might cause....”

Bernard slowly shook his head. Mr. Former Prime Minister never did work out his principal private secretary, thought Bernard.

“You know me, Mr. Hacker. I’ve been awfully good at getting things into papers.”

For a moment Jim Hacker said nothing. And, for a moment, Bernard started to worry that he might have made a wrong calculation. Maybe time had worn down Hacker’s disgust against Humphrey. Maybe he now sincerely believed that he had worked well with Humphrey’s assist. However, what Hacker said next relieved him.

“The question would be ... when.”

“Still up to you. You know, if it happens before..., the press would swarm to the one that talks.”

“That bothers me. I really don’t want my last days to be restless.” Hacker sighed. “Bernard, can I trust in your discretion this time?”

“Can I trust in your determination this time, Mr. Hacker?”

The former prime minister smiled weakly, showing the pointy little canine teeth, and reach out a bony hand to Bernard. The cabinet secretary held it without hesitation.

“Pity that I won’t be able to see the victory day. Humpy’s face would be marvellous.”

When Bernard, who always mocked Hacker’s irresolution, saw the former minister put the tape into Mrs. Hacker’s bag, he, for God’s sake, had a moment of hesitation. He thought he saw the image of Humphrey, looking at him up and down with narrowing eyes. Bernard took it as a shadow over him, after so many years working under Humphrey, so he quietly scattered it away.

You know me, Mr. Former Prime Minister. I don’t like such kinds of things.

So it means that I will do anything possible to make THIS happen.


	2. Chapter 2

One the way back from the hospital, Bernard felt as if he had become an energetic young man again.

He thought about the possibility that Hacker had kept a copy for himself. By that time, to threaten Humphrey to lie to the cabinet, Hacker kept the original and the copy at home for almost a day, with plenty of time to make a secret copy. Even if Hacker had lacked the resolution, Annie might have had the courage to urge him to do so. The issue, however, was too explosive as well as destructive, so perhaps he would not have told it to a woman who was not able to keep the secret about a perfume pot. Bernard maliciously thought that even if Hacker had wanted a copy, he would have forgotten where he put it only a few days later.

Maybe Bernard should take the blame after all.

Every time having lunch with the old school mate, Bernard was always talking about how two bosses find trouble in him at the same time, how the secretaries ran into troubles, and how the system backfired. Especially that Sir Humphrey who often bullied him. His old friend would quietly listen to him while enjoying a sherry. Sometimes, when Bernard brought up feelings too bitterly, the schoolmate would say a few word in vain to comfort him. Something like “A high-flyer like you will work it out someday.”There was no other way.

Therefore, as soon as that old friend from Oxford found that the interviewee of Radio 3 was Sir Humphrey, he sincerely expected that the interview could run into some chaos. He did not turn off the microphone and recorded all that enlightening remarks, but not for money, purely for a heroic revenge and a spirit of mischief. He did not let the host know about it. There was a hazardous possibility that BBC would broadcast it regardless of whatever might happen to Sir Humphrey. That would have killed the fun.

Bernard would never imagine how unlucky Humphrey could be. He reminded Humphrey to be discreet merely out of instinct. The cabinet secretary got a little intoxicated with a sense of his omnipotence those days. When Bernard saw how Humphrey lost control of himself, he knew that things had got out of anybody’s control this time. This could get everyone down, even Bernard. The fortune of a private secretary was closely connected with the prime minister, and meanwhile his oppressor was no doubt his “friend” in the upper class. It would have meant a lot of trouble for him if Humphrey went down. There was little possibility to find another who worked with him for such a long time and had so great expectation.

Bernard knew he must do something. To be exact, he must solve the problem. When Humphrey ask him “What am I going to do?” without actually know what he was doing, Bernard already developed at least three possible plans inside his mind, but he would never speak out.

“Keep your mouth shut in future,” Bernard said, with no obvious emotion, but still much more severely than normal.

“And so must you, Bernard,” Humphrey suddenly looked ferocious, “I don’t want you to breathe a word about this to anyone, any one!”

Great. I knew it would come to this. You would never ask me what to do because you never thought about me helping you. You never even saw me at such times. Bernard kept calm. There might never be another chance like this to talk to Humphrey in such a way.

“My duty to....”

“Bernard! I will....”

Bernard stared at him with a blank look on his face. He seemed confused: What will you do? What else can you do? You’re already done, and what will you do to me?

The innocent look destroyed the last pride that Humphrey saved. He did not finish his words, but turned his back to Bernard with hands shaking.

“Bernard, what am I going to do?”

Can I take it as surrender? Not to me, but to the truth that there’s nothing he could do, and that the day finally came when he is at other people’s mercy. Bernard sneered inside. After all these peaceful years Humphrey took it for granted that, for all his training and trust, Bernard should at least say something comforting. Sorry, Sir Humphrey, I did learn something from you after all: We CHHOOSE what to remember.

“Well perhaps you should put up a press statement, expressing sympathy on the unemployed.”Bernard said so sincerely that Humphrey actually raised his head as if he saw the last straw. This almost made Bernard burst into a laughter that spoiled one of the most splendid jokes in his entire career.

“Sympathy?”

“Well, you may be joining them at any moment.”

Humphrey, with a broken spirit, failed to open the door with a shattering hand. Bernard opened the door for him. Humphrey almost fell to his feet when he walked out trembling, maybe also praying that he would never see the private secretary again. Bernard watched him by the door and sighed. He got all the emotion out. Now it was the time to get down to work. Bernard secretly laughed at himself for being volatile. Just now he was taking pleasure in Humphrey's misfortune, and now he felt obliged to save him! But what else could he do? Was it possible to do nothing about it? No. Humphrey could not get down, at least not for such a ridiculous reason at the moment. Bernard shook his head quietly.

I promise, the private secretary thought, I promise that I will see the chips stay up.

Bernard phoned the schoolmate at Oxford and booked a lunch. At the dining hall he tried to ask about the recording, and the producer told him everything, including the fact that he did not mean to get anything from Humphrey. Purely entertainment and, of course, doing Bernard a favour. He promised that he would take the original with him next time they met, and could make a copy for Bernard as a souvenir. Then the two of them spent the whole noon laughing at the matter. Bernard still remembered his friend said:

“Honestly, Bernard, you would never run into such a chance again.”

Indeed, he was always recalling that triumph of the prime minister, or his. That day he chose to stand with the prime minister, not because of what Humphrey called a “strange allegiance”. Let Humphrey believe that he had nothing to do with it! That’s the best! He not only saved that old fellow, but also watched how he made a fool of himself. Now that the latter must not let him know, neither should the former. Even at such dominant position, Bernard did not ignore any of the useful details. He carefully omitted how Humphrey addressed the unemployed as lazy and incapable, and thus reinforced the part that addressed the government as lazy and incapable. These tricks never seemed to be out of date. Now that Mr. Prime Minister and Sir. Humphrey were both worried about something, they had little time to review it.

Humphrey, while depressed and upset, really made a scene before Hacker. Bernard seriously acted as if he knew nothing about neither of them, trying not to laugh at inappropriate time. Thank God Hacker kept the secret for him, or the cabinet secretary would have killed him for giving the tape to Hacker instead of directly to Humphrey. Bernard said to himself secretly that he would never ever make the same mistake as Sir Humphrey’s. At that moment, Hacker said to the private secretary, in a meaningful tone,

“Bernard, you should often remind Sir Humphrey to be discreet. We could not have any of this again.”

Humphrey looked at Bernard, almost with resentment. The private secretary smiled and evaded his eyes.

“Sir，I promised that I would see the chips stay up.”

I promised. Bernard quietly repeated those words. However, he still made a copy for himself without knowing when and why he would use it, so, he broke his promise long ago, didn’t he?

Little Bernard. The one that he tutored all these years. Little Bernard.

Humphrey stared at Bernard, who was sarcastically calm before him, and shattered, with these words dangling inside his brain.

He thought at least Bernard would become nervous as well. He did not expect anyone to come at rescue, but Bernard, except the shock at first, was too calm to understand. Even when he accused the cabinet secretary of being indiscreet, those innocent eyes never changed. Damned! Damn those who still can be described as “innocent” at such an age! He should have told Bernard that this look on the face only encouraged others to give a furious punch! He wanted to do it now, to that ungrateful little....

“Bernard! I will....”

He stuck. He read a sense of ridicule in Bernard’s calm eyes. He could almost hear the private secretary ask him seriously, “Oh ... So what exactly will you do, Sir Humphrey?”

Humphrey turned away from Bernard with a bitter smile which the private secretary did not see. Of course, it was not Humphrey that Bernard feared, but the cabinet secretary. If once in his life he could witness such an ordeal for Arnold, he would act the same. He could imagine the same cold look on his face. But how on earth could it be the same! Arnold, like an ugly fire-breathing dragon crouching inside a cave, clutching on any jewel he could reach, never cared about his fate. Arnold was heartless. He would have no guilt for turning back on Arnold. But Bernard, this isn’t over yet, damn you, it’s too early for you to show that look....

Humphrey knew he was done.

“Bernard, what am I going to do?”


	3. 3

“He said that?” Bernard Woolley, the permanent secretary of DAA, looked at the minister’s principal private secretary with a meaningful smile.

The young secretary nodded. “The principal private secretary of Treasury could have made a recorder of their department.”

He seems even more reliable than I was. Bernard thought.

“Alright. You're dismissed.”

The private secretary went out. Bernard sighed. How could a permanent secretary be so indiscreet! Let a private secretary hear his complaint, and about the cabinet secretary! No wonder their minister messed up like this. The private secretary network worked anyway, especially when this one put more allegiance in him than in the minister. What did that crazy man of Treasury say? Humphrey Appleby had not many days left. Hopefully he would make some trouble for the old fox. If you translated this into common language, it would be like “As soon as I get the chair of the cabinet secretary, I will make Humphrey Appleby regret.”

Why were they all so confident? Treasury, Home Office, Foreign and Commonwealth Office, all the permanent secretaries of the mayor departments cast greedy eyes on the position, yet all hated the current cabinet secretary. Humphrey, for hell’s sake, was no helpful friend. He meddled in everything. He had been famous for this since he was the permanent secretary of DAA. And, even worse than that, he was now famous for assigning thorny work to those who he regarded as potential. At this point, Bernard believed that he had a hell of more reasons to complain than any of them. Just like how Arnold think of Humphrey at any hazardous point, Humphrey pushed all the dangerous affairs to Bernard. His career as a permanent secretary seemed smooth yet in fact tempestuous.

Humphrey, however, never reached the level where permanent secretaries from all departments feared him. When Arnold was at his position, things were perfect.

So we have all that once again? Bernard the permanent secretary shook his head. Circa regna tonat. To be calm when everything went right was quite common. It was only admirable to keep calm before self-destruction. In this regard, he had confidence that he could do better than Humphrey.

The last time when Bernard acted stupidly in his life career, seen as stupid at the moment, was to endanger his own marching towards the position of the cabinet secretary.

One afternoon, Humphrey asked Bernard for a private talk. He showed more kindness than needed for the whole time. Every time he behaved like this, there was either stunningly good news or a catastrophe. Bernard held his glass tight, ignoring Humphrey's small talk, and preparing countermeasures for all possibilities.

“So ... Bernard, I’d like to talk about the successor of the cabinet secretary.” Humphrey poured some sherry for himself with a smile. “I have a short list already, but it’s totally different to make the final decision.”

Bernard said nothing. Humphrey gave him a strange look.

“The decisive matter lies in what qualities the chosen one should possess, or, how he should prove himself capable.”

Bernard, still, stared at Sir Humphrey like a sculpture. He now knew for sure that the conversation they were expecting was exactly what Sir Arnold had with Humphrey. What it used to be would be what it will be. He WAS becoming the cabinet secretary, but the first series of measures must be getting Humphrey all plum jobs for which he asked. Arnold got a whole bunch of these. There was no way for Bernard to believe that Humphrey had nothing to do with it.

Now it was his turn. Bernard Woolley, after half of his life striving as a civil servant, the peak of your career is at your sight.

“Bernard！” The wandering look on the permanent secretary's face finally irritated Humphrey. “Am I talking to myself?”

“Oh, no, Sir Humphrey.” Bernard answered in a hurry. “I’m listening.” “So?”

“So you said how this successor proves himself qualified?” Humphrey said with a fierce look. After all, when he had this talk with Arnold, he grasped the gist at once.

Bernard fell silent again.

“Bernard, I’m really curious about this: Are you very familiar with how to drive me crazy?”

“I’m not, Sir Humphrey.”

Humphrey kept silent for a moment, put down his glass, and sat down on the other side of the table, somehow a little close to Bernard.

“Very well. Such riddles are meaningless between us, But it sounds quite inappropriate for me to say it directly. Therefore, Bernard, do you need a notebook right now?”

About three seconds of silence later, Bernard made the most courageous answer ever since he was born.

“I decline, Sir Humphrey.”

Humphrey shivered a little.

“What did you say?”

“I mean, I’m afraid that I could not accept this inquiry as easily as you expect.”

Humphrey reached for his glass, but finally put his hand down on the table.

“What do you mean by ‘could not accept’?”

Bernard know his hands were shaking, so he bent his fingers trying to relieve the tension. He also knew that his eyes were full of fright. Being threatened. Being ordered. Being mocked. Being confused. Now as long as he had to face Humphrey, he could not help but automatically shifted to the private secretary mode. Damn it, he must hold on! It was never Sir Humphrey that he feared. It was the permanent secretary of DAA and the cabinet secretary. Anything else was false.

“I think I’ve made myself clear, Sir Humphrey. The agreement we’re now facing, or, if you like, we can call it a hypothetical agreement that we’re trying to reach, I have to reject. And when I say ‘reject’, I mean nothing ‘hypothetical’.”

Although he often received surprising comments from Bernard, Humphrey was still unable to get used to it.

“Bernard,” he said very slowly, “do not tell me that this was for your conscience again.”

Conscience? Maybe there was, but it was highly suspect that anyone could keep their conscience for the position of the cabinet secretary. I just saw you through. Now let’s take a bet.

“Partially, Sir Humphrey, but there was more. I think it's time for us to have some change in our mode.”

Humphrey narrowed his eyes like a cat, maybe because of confusion, or for threatening.

“I believe it was not your only preparation, Sir Humphrey.”

Bernard finished his reply under horrible pressure. Both of them knew it was not all he meant. Of course not, Sir Humphrey. You started settling your life after retirement long ago, and still feeling sorry for beginning to late. For example, some old banker, and your friends at the Royal Theatre, and Arnold. You never stopped consulting Arnold. It’s like an enormous spider web, and it's growing even larger as you follow every step of his.”

“It’s none of your business.” Humphrey repressed his temper with all his patience. “I need a specific explanation.”

“I will explain it to you, Sir Humphrey. The choice is actually yours, between long term cooperation and a one-off deal.”

“I hope you understand that I have more than one candidate.”

“I do, Sir Humphrey. But technically speaking, the others are not me. Well, that’s natural, but I’m trying to show you that when you take others into consideration, there is still the choice between long term cooperation and a one-off deal.”

And I hope you to understand that, Sir Humphrey, you’ve already bet too much on me. No one else, but me, followed you all the way here from DAA. It was almost an accident that Mr. Hacker took me to Downing Street as his principal private secretary. You hated it because you could have appointed one for him, probably still me, but I would have been completely obedient. It had got a little out of control since that. What a tangled web we weaved。 However, I found the balance point, and, not to be modest, kept it for a real food time.

“Bernard, was I too lenient with you that I left you with this false impression?” Humphrey’s voice was somehow like a snake. “I could change my mind.”

“Of course, it’s all up to you, Sir Humphrey.” Bernard silently clenched his fists.

I’m not the only choice. I’m the best of all. And you know that better than anyone does.

Humphrey suddenly realised that the story was reversed. He never imagined there could be any trouble threatening Bernard with the chair of cabinet secretary. No civil servant would ever risk this. They would like to pay. As long as he had the power to decide, he had Bernard in control. This should be the most successful one. Not until Bernard carefully but clearly uttered the words “the others are not me” had he finally disillusioned. Indeed, the common way was that Bernard could only become the cabinet secretary if he ensured Humphrey's retirement in wealth. However, Bernard reversed it. He was the only choice for Humphrey. Ever since in DAA he had been treated as a successor, and no one else would be so reassuring. Then it made a hell of a difference. Bernard would threaten him to give up all the demands, and assure him all the help possible after succession — of course the cabinet secretary by that time would decide to what extent.

Bernard knew it from the very start that he had no choice.

All that flashed across Humphrey’s mind in a second. Bernard leaning forward from his chair like always, stared at him with both hands holding the glass, eyes wide open, just like waiting for his fortune to be decided. The cabinet secretary found himself very unwisely used to this childlike looking of Bernard.

“Of course, Bernard, of course.” Humphrey smiled reluctantly, “I might need to reiterate my position in case that you have any misunderstanding. Of course I hope that we can keep a long-term cooperation. It should be, even for our friendship.”

His mind got unexpectedly chaotic. He would never have thought of this possibility when he faced Arnold. He dared not. Precisely speaking, he had not the chance to think like this.

“That would be the best, Sir Humphrey.” Bernard carefully chose his words, “I assure you that this is the best ending, no matter what happened before.”

No matter what happened before?

What was he talking about?

No matter what happened before. Let bygones be bygones. No matter what you did to me, I forgive and forget. So that was what he thought. All these he thought he was mistreated. Very well, Humphrey, then this would be all.

Humphrey tasted something bitter. He was silent for a moment, lowered his eyes, and tried to pour himself more sherry to release the embarrassment, only to find that he never even tasted from his glass.

“Bernard, I think it is time to celebrate the high flyer's triumph. Pity that I have no champagne here.”

Humphrey rose from chair with glass his hand, turning his back on Bernard and gazing the painting works on the wall. He did not let the permanent secretary see his pitiful look.

“Circa regna tonat.” Humphrey whispered.

Perhaps all those conclusions never mattered. Bernard just got him sized up all right. He had no one else except Bernard.


End file.
